Tug of War

Tug of War was always a fun game that I and almost everyone used to play as a child. I never thought it could be used for emotions, a situation or really anything. I find it to be a game you play with the dog or with a young child, not a 21 year old marine. I feel that this deployment is a tug of war game. I feel all I do is fight against what I feel is right. I'm bashing my head against something bigger then me. I feel like I'm trying to pull the rope away from something 100x bigger then me. I know I shouldn't be pulling away when he "is going to need me more then ever" but what about what I need. I need the reassurance that I'm needed in his life and I don't get any of that. I feel that the real thing that happening right now is my ex. A guy proposed to me earlier this year, well technically at the beginning of 2009. I said no, because I thought it was a bullshit... It really wasn't as much bullshit as I thought. He is still crazy in love with me and not afraid to tell me. It's hard as hell to deal with honestly. I don't want to be involved with him.. I love my marine but all I want to do is push against him to try and have him show me that he cares but everytime I push it goes nowhere. I'm supposed to see my marine this weekend and I don't think I can bring myself to do it honestly. I really don't think I can see him and then have to say goodbye again. It feels like all I'm ever doing is tugging against everything in my life and I hate it. I'm pushing away someone I care about because of god knows what. I just feel so ehh about everything. I can't even put my feelings into words anymore. There isn't anything to say. This day could also just be a really really bad day and I'm just reacting to it in a way that I shouldn't be. It may also be the fact that nobody I know has been supportive of my relationship with my marine. I feel that I'm always tugging against another person to see my relationship for what it is. I love my lance corporal and I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him, but my mother, my father to some degree, all of my friends except for the one's who have seen my relationship with him blossom. My mother hates the fact that he's a marine, my dad says, after I explained how much money would be involved if my boyfriend and I decided to get married, that I should marry him before he leaves and divorce him when he gets back (yeah my dads got a fucked up sense of love). My friends don't understand how I can love someone whose abandoning me to fight for a bullshit war. They also keep stating that he could die and why would he want to risk his life when he has me, and my marine says I'm a anxious alice. I know their trying to protect me from something they can't possibly understand, because they've never dealt with it. I've become a Marine, well a Marine Girlfriend, and it's changed me for the better. I've become a person I could have never seen myself becoming and it's all because I met someone who lived a completely and totally different life. I found a family who respects and loves no matter what skin color or background.

I Keep Racking My Brain for a REASON

Why did he choose to pick up his life again and throw all that he has down the drain? I love him more then anything but why does he have to me hurt so that he can be the hero? I understand it's his duty and I feel in love with that but what about his duty to his family or me for that matter? Oh wait he has no duty to me because he is technically a single marine. I don't feel bad that he isn't married to me. It doesn't matter as long as he is coming back into my arms and nobody else. Honest to God I think it would be harder for me to marry him as he is running off to Iraq. Iraq scares me no matter how safe it is it. I've been told it's more dangerous to walk around in my neighborhood then in Al Asad. My biggest fear is him not coming home. I know it is so unlikely that he won't return but it is a fear that won't leave my mindset for a while. Fear is only a line away from other emotions. The only reason I fear is because I love him. Fear is irrational which goes hand in hand with love. You can't love without fear and you can't fear without love. I know he cares and that is why he can't always be honest about everything in Iraq. It's just so he can protect me. I respect him for trying to protect me from what he has seen and what he will see when he goes back. He has told me stories about how hard it was for him to adjust to life as a civilian when he got back. I mean I know how hard it is dealing with jet lag when i get back from Europe. It sucks, but imagine 7 months in a war zone with people not being abel to visit at all.

Visitors

are probably the nicest part about staying in the states and being not that far away from Drexel. All my friends and family can visit me and make sure I'm okay. Zappa can't, I can't even call the boy when he's over there. I think that's going to hurt the most. I love being able to hug him and his kiss his back, his shoulders, his chest, while I tell him I love him. I love being able to wake up next to him feeling his warm body against mine, or the way he holds me as he falls asleep. Falling asleep next to someone is the next most intimate thing I think two people can do. Letting someone be in bed with you as your as vulnerable as you can be is something so special. People wake up looking awful, breathing reeking. One is so vulnerable when their sleeping. A person could take advantage of that vulnerability and use it against you. It takes a lot of trust to really let someone lie next to you. *remember I myself am a Marine Girlfriend, I respect all Marines, Army and Navy. I respect that all these young men and women are fighting in countries so I can live safely. I do not wish to offend anyone!*