We're having the Talk Girls.. (A little racy)

Now girls, I know this is going to come off as being incredibly crude and I'm actually aiming for that with this post, but I was thinking about

SEX

now not just about sex but about the lack of it while my marine is away, and I'm guessing most of you are dealing with it too. That's why I decided to bring it up in a post. I feel its one of the most UN-TALKED about situations when dealing with anyone in the service. I mean sex is a huge part of any relationship and don't let anyone fool you. I know when I get mad all I want him to do is show me that he wants to be me with me rather then another girl at a party or a girl we both stared at while at the strip club.

I've realized after knowing for so long that my marine was leaving that not everything was about how many times I went down on him or how many times we had sex before he left, it was more about how many nights I got to spend in his arms or how many weekends we had together. Sex didn't seem to be important, at least when I was getting some *haha*. Since he's been gone and I'm on my own, sex is something of an interest. Sadly he doesn't see it the same way I do. He's learned to tame the beast shall we say. I have to admit when I did see him within 30 minutes we were on his bed.

I feel that sex is a way to keep couples intimate, I mean it's not just about the act its about what happens after. The cuddling, the loving feelings that come up. The togetherness... I mean there's nothing stronger then that. And when it comes down to it, I'm not entirely sure I can do the 7 months without having him around and that isn't even thinking about sex. How do women do it? I mean I know the first answer I'll get is toys and such but when it comes down to it, the intimacy isn't there, yeah maybe you'll feel satisfied for a few days or a few hours or whatever but aren't you going to miss your lover even more?

Since my marine left I feel lonely at night and sometimes people on the street catch my attention more, especially if they wear anything that smells remotely to what he wears, and considering its axe I smell all over manhattan. I guess I'm trying to find out from marines, girlfriends, wives, lovers anyone whose dealt with the delayed gratification of having their lover in their arms again.

I know this entry is a little racy and I don't think any place online does it talk about sex, but I think it's so important to understand how to deal with something so natural and something so amazing and intimate, because honestly I'm not really sure how to get through that part of the deployment. Well hopefully this will generate some information for me to understand, considering that I saw my marine 2 weeks ago and I'm already missing the intimacy we had when I saw him.

Well I would greatly appreciate any input even if its in an email, I know a lot of women have different ways of coping and knowing a few would be a hell of a help. Anyways ladies, hopefully you can fill out the poll. I mean no offense to anyone through this blog or any of the entires I've written. I use this blog more to open up my mind for the picking and to understand new things. I am so new at this lifestyle I don't really know how to act or how to respond or how to deal with stuff. So you guys are the ones who get me through all of this. This is how I'm learning to deal with the fact that the love of my life, the man I want to spend eternity with, is leaving for 7 long months to fight for this country.

Sempre FI!

I hope all of your marines are doing well and coming home soon!

Is It Fair?

I guess recently I haven't been writing as much because I'm slightly more morbid then I feel I should let on to others. This whole deployment thing is tearing me apart. Every time I talk to him it's either 2 seconds or it's nothing. I know it's unbearable for them. I understand that their up at the crack of dawn to do work and get off late and all they want it to sleep, but abandonment is starting to kick in even more. It just feels like I'm all alone in fighting for this relationship. I know it's not entirely true but it feels that way. I know I always get upset when I don't get to talk to him every few days to know he's okay and that he loves me. I know its a pattern, I get upset when he's unavailable for a few days.

So maybe this is just my upset rant that I can't talk to my boyfriend about everything. I mean things keep changing here and I can't even keep him up to date; but it's kinda sorta my own fault because I don't wanna call or text because I don't know what's going on where he is so I keep my distance and try to be available when he can talk. What about me though, what about what I am dealing with while he's being a marine and I'm a regular civilian? I know I know its selfish to think that I could ever compare with the marines and I know; but it sucks so hard core to know that. It sucks that I know that I can never compete or be ahead of a job.

How do you other women deal with it? Just sit at home and remember how much he loves you and you wait till he gets back to tell you how important you are in his life? I just feel like... I don't know anymore. I want to put up with everything, but it is very hard when almost everything seems to be falling apart to some degree. I know I shouldn't be thinking that my life is falling apart because things aren't going all so well, but it's so hard when I feel abandoned to sit here and look at what is positive. I bet everyone has problems when their worried about their lover, whether he or she be a marine or civilian.
Sempre Fi!

Ignorant People

Well all you marine girlfriends, wives and fiancées even close friends of marines have probably dealt with Ignorant people who honestly need to kicked in the face. I'm not one for violence but when someone is going off at the mouth about something that they have little information about of course I will call them out. They deserve to know that what their saying is total "bullocks" as my english friend said to me yesterday.

Today was one of the first days in a while that I didn't feel left behind or abandoned or really sad. I woke up with a smile on my face, probably because I reliving the time I spent with him last weekend. I was happy because I went out with people who finally respect my relationship for what it is and not what they believe. I went on facebook and saw a crude comment or at least an opinion that I found to be cruel and sorta ignorant.

The status reads as follows so, we pull out of Iraq, invade Afghanistan and then "Iranians" bomb Iraq and kill 40, hmmm, kinda think we should've stayed until we fixed it, we kinda leveled the place then left it in shambles." Now I have major concerns about this opinion and I voiced it. One we haven't pulled out of Iraq, if we did my boyfriend wouldn't be going over to Iraq in September. Two the bombing that killed 40 people was a double suicide bombing that wounded almost 65 people and killed about 35. The last part of his comment I just find to be ignorant and unsupportive. I agree with the facts that we did "level the place" but it isn't as though he have "left it in shambles". The Iraqi people are happy and scared that the U.S. military personal are no longer in the cities.

The part that annoyed me most about this person is that he got in my face when I explained that we haven't left Iraq and started to give me an attitude when I explained that my boyfriend wouldn't be going over if we had left. The worst part about this entire situation is that people don't even respect the fact that many of our lovers, friends, family members are being involved in a war in which so many people support our troops with words but when it comes down to actually supporting someone who is involved with a someone over there, they apologize and say how hard it is or some go why are you putting yourself through this. I must admit that sometimes it's nice to hear someone care but when they can't relate and you need help it just seems so rude to hear.

I realize I also have to be the big girl and not give heat to the fire per say but its awful when nobody supports what your doing and everybody is always questioning something that you believe in with your whole heart. I know from USMC gals that many of the DI's (drill instructors) in bootcamp try to break the recruits down by telling them that their girlfriends or someone special is disrespecting them. This to my knowledge makes the recruits more timid and fearful of what could happen. The same thing happens to the loved ones, when their being told how bad it is for them and stories about what could happen they begin to lose trust in their loved ones.

I feel its a no win situation, and sadly I think that these people who are so ignorant of what is really going on need a reality check!

SEMPRE FI!



*remember I myself am a Marine Girlfriend, I respect all Marines, Army and Navy. I respect that all these young men and women are fighting in countries so I can live safely. I do not wish to offend anyone!*

4th of July

Well the 4th of July has always been an amazing weekend; it's filled with family fun and fireworks. What could be better? Well this year I get to spend the 4th of July with my marine. I couldn't be happier. It's a national holiday that shows our freedom and I get to spend the weekend with a man who has dedicated three years of his life to that cause. I must admit my last entry was slightly upsetting after I reread it today. The feelings of dealing with a deployment, tour, whatever one wants to call it is a struggle.

I believe myself I am an optimist and that I can endeavor with whatever I am thrown into, but this relationship keeps me guessing every day. I have always been unsure of myself, no matter what I say I have always been very self conscious and aware of myself, not always the best feeling in the world, but whenever I was dating someone I never felt that they could tell I was self conscious because most of the time if I didn't see them they could tell me they missed me or that they loved me and not be so cryptic with everything they do.

Well as we all know Marines are not ones to be mushy and gushy at least not when around their buddies. That's the hardest part about deployments, I know over the last few months I've mentioned numerous things that I find hard, but I feel that the change in the person especially my marine is hard to deal with. I know already that he's going to be colder, not as sweet all the time and not as available. That's such a huge difference to the man that I met, and no I didn't fall in love with him because he was sweet or warm all the time or the fact that he was available a lot of the time. I just find the very small things that I would normally take for granted in any relationship the hard part.

It's funny, in the summer, ESPECIALLY in New York all the couples are out, whether their sunbathing in Central Park or sipping coffees in starbucks you see them everywhere. Every time I see a couple holding hands at a stoplight or a kissing in the rain, it makes my heart twinge. I've never gotten to stop at a stoplight and kiss my boyfriend or have it be warm enough that I could kiss him in the rain without getting sick. I know every marine girlfriend, fiancée, wife or any relation to any of the services deals with that feeling of loneliness when they can't be near their loved ones. It's just hard to believe I've joined a league of such extraordinary women and men who live their lives to protect this country.

Honestly, if some of the people I know from years ago heard me say the stuff I write here, they would never tell you it was me. They wouldn't be able to recognize the style or the thoughts in the writing. I must admit that I hide my sorrows that come from my relationship because not one of my friends who I've known since god knows when can honestly sit there and listen to what I'm saying without jumping off topic to their relationship or their friend or college.

I feel when I say Marine, Iraq, Afghanistan, War, anything people freak out. It's weird, but I guess to some degree I must have acted that way too when I began to date my marine. I definitely remember telling my friends Army instead of Marine and they almost hit me... yeah, that vocabulary changed quite quickly. I can't imagine myself any other way and I'm happy to be able to say that.

I also wanted to thank all you girls, and maybe even some boys out there who have been reading my posts. It means a lot to me that yesterday 54 people looked at the blog. It is nice knowing that other people are going through what I am, and that people have dealt with it before me. So thank you again! I look forward to more comments and maybe some marine gf/wives/fiancées friends to talk to while my marine and many of theirs will be deployed!

Again thank you all!

Tug of War

Tug of War was always a fun game that I and almost everyone used to play as a child. I never thought it could be used for emotions, a situation or really anything. I find it to be a game you play with the dog or with a young child, not a 21 year old marine. I feel that this deployment is a tug of war game. I feel all I do is fight against what I feel is right. I'm bashing my head against something bigger then me. I feel like I'm trying to pull the rope away from something 100x bigger then me. I know I shouldn't be pulling away when he "is going to need me more then ever" but what about what I need. I need the reassurance that I'm needed in his life and I don't get any of that. I feel that the real thing that happening right now is my ex. A guy proposed to me earlier this year, well technically at the beginning of 2009. I said no, because I thought it was a bullshit... It really wasn't as much bullshit as I thought. He is still crazy in love with me and not afraid to tell me. It's hard as hell to deal with honestly. I don't want to be involved with him.. I love my marine but all I want to do is push against him to try and have him show me that he cares but everytime I push it goes nowhere. I'm supposed to see my marine this weekend and I don't think I can bring myself to do it honestly. I really don't think I can see him and then have to say goodbye again. It feels like all I'm ever doing is tugging against everything in my life and I hate it. I'm pushing away someone I care about because of god knows what. I just feel so ehh about everything. I can't even put my feelings into words anymore. There isn't anything to say. This day could also just be a really really bad day and I'm just reacting to it in a way that I shouldn't be. It may also be the fact that nobody I know has been supportive of my relationship with my marine. I feel that I'm always tugging against another person to see my relationship for what it is. I love my lance corporal and I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him, but my mother, my father to some degree, all of my friends except for the one's who have seen my relationship with him blossom. My mother hates the fact that he's a marine, my dad says, after I explained how much money would be involved if my boyfriend and I decided to get married, that I should marry him before he leaves and divorce him when he gets back (yeah my dads got a fucked up sense of love). My friends don't understand how I can love someone whose abandoning me to fight for a bullshit war. They also keep stating that he could die and why would he want to risk his life when he has me, and my marine says I'm a anxious alice. I know their trying to protect me from something they can't possibly understand, because they've never dealt with it. I've become a Marine, well a Marine Girlfriend, and it's changed me for the better. I've become a person I could have never seen myself becoming and it's all because I met someone who lived a completely and totally different life. I found a family who respects and loves no matter what skin color or background.

Rude New Yorker

Some of the first words that come to mind when thinking of a New Yorker are:

rude

arrogant

self-indulgent

snobby

bitchy

highly opinionated

ignorant

phony

fake

rich

Its funny coming back to the city I've spent all my life in. I feel like an outsider, even in my own home. I feel that Philadelphia has opened my eyes to the life I was living and the life I live now. I spent 6 years in a private school in manhattan, to some degree its a lot of peoples dream to live in the city that never sleeps. Before I left for Philadelphia, I felt that New York was the place to be to meet people, to have friends, to live your life, but now my entire idea has changed and to be frank my mother does not agree with me. I grew up with a therapist and shrink, yeah I must be pretty fucked up haha. I believe that because I grew up with this background for parents, I tried to keep an open mind to things that I didn't understand. I have always tried to be the odd one out, not for the reason to being different but for the reason of trying not to be labeled as the "New Yorker". I didn't make friends with people because I knew I was different; I just never knew what it was. After going to college and meeting people from all over I realized that my open mind has sort of shot me in the foot. I look at New Yorkers as a breed of people that I don't relate to, even though I was born in New York and have lived my entire life here. College has changed me for the better but everyone looks at me like I am some freak of nature. What's the problem with drinking a whiskey and coke or liking country music. Am I already deemed a hick? What about my friends who all love country music and love any type of whiskey who only live an hour away from New York in South Jersey. Shouldn't New Yorker's be more open then anyone considering it's one of the biggest places of tourism? It seems not. Already being home for a week, I've realized how different I am, especially after all my friends have mentioned that the new me is not what they expected when they said they wanted to see me again. I've grown up and it seems that nobody else has. For example my mother. It seems that as a teenager every person has problems with their mother, but it seems that the only type of relationship I can have with her is either happy and friendly or at odds. Finally after years of hating who I was because I didn't have friends and I couldn't figure out why, I'm happy and love who I am, yet my mother is so critical of who I've become. I'm now somebody who:

has friends

has confidence in myself

is intelligent and can show it

is in love with a marine

is more aware of other people

is happy to be myself

accepts all of myself

Do any of these qualities seem negative?? So why should my parent who claims to love me be upset when I come home and don't fit in anywhere except with my friends back in Philly? Why is it so hard to accept that I am different and that the qualities that I have are special at my age. How many girls have confidence in themselves? or actually accept who they are at 18? How many girls can honestly say that they found love and feel cared for? How many can be proud of themselves? I can't count that many, I know maybe two or three who have maybe one or two of these qualities. I feel that college is the place where you learn about yourself. Well I've learned over the last year that I am: a strong individual who loves life, loves my friends, loves myself. I have learned that I'm not so different, and what I think makes me different makes me special to people that I know now. Nobody I know in Philadelphia looks at me and says I'm some snotty, snobby, uptight, bitchy, or rude New Yorker and that's how I want to keep it! *Sempre Fi* *I mean no offense to ANY New Yorkers reading my posts, I am myself a born and raised New Yorker; These are just opinions and venting about what I have dealt with since moving back to New York*

3 Weeks

3 weeks but 46 left to go!

As of three weeks ago my marine left for his predeployment training. I realize I haven't been writing but I don't know what to say. I feel as though I am falling apart as he is getting more prepared. When he moved in to his room at Cherry Hill, I explained that I felt like it was final, that it hadn't hit me until he left that he was really going to Iraq. He told me he knew it was happening and he was prepared. Well I wish he had prepared me better for the very little communication that I have with him whenever he has a second to talk. I wish he told me that it was going to be hard but that he believed I could do it.

I feel so alone. College is done for the summer so I'm home, my family is completely against me staying with him while he deploys to fight some godawful war that really nobody believes we should be in. I've put so much faith and work into this relationship, I'm so worried it won't remain as strong as it is now. I know it is possible to be even better and that is the outcome I am looking for, but as many of you know, it hurts to be left alone for so long with nothing but the hope that your man comes back alive and still loves you.

I am so proud of him for everything he has done. I know I haven't exactly been the best girlfriend while he'e preparing to go but what can you do except hold them close and tell them you love them. I pushed him away and he never pulled back so our last few days together were miserable. That is my fault and I fully admit to that and apologize for it.

Its been 3 weeks and I have a lot longer til he's even deployed and I feel as though I am falling apart. I have been very lucky to have had 6 months with my marine rather than a month or a week or any time in between. The 6 months have shown me that I am strong enough to stand by a marine's side and be happy. God made me to fall for him and stay with him through this.

To all the women starting to deal with their boyfriends, husbands, fiancees, and even friends leaving for their tour of duty, remember they are protecting and fighting for us. We should only be so lucky to have had the time we did with our marines. They are amazing men and each one of them has someone here thinking about them. Love them, respect them, miss them!

I miss my marine every morning when I wake up without him next to me, every meal Ieat, I remember when he used to sit next to me, every afternoon when he would come to relax after a long day of classes with me, being on the motorcycle with him going 140 mph and above all I miss him the most at night, where he used to sleep next to me every night for 6 months. I am just beginning to deal with the pain of a deployment but I feel that my feelings are the same as many of you are dealing with.

If anyone would like to talk or communicate with me, you are more then welcome to email me here or at laceyduaneselman@gmail.com. SEMPRE FI!