Well the 4th of July has always been an amazing weekend; it's filled with family fun and fireworks. What could be better? Well this year I get to spend the 4th of July with my marine. I couldn't be happier. It's a national holiday that shows our freedom and I get to spend the weekend with a man who has dedicated three years of his life to that cause. I must admit my last entry was slightly upsetting after I reread it today. The feelings of dealing with a deployment, tour, whatever one wants to call it is a struggle.
I believe myself I am an optimist and that I can endeavor with whatever I am thrown into, but this relationship keeps me guessing every day. I have always been unsure of myself, no matter what I say I have always been very self conscious and aware of myself, not always the best feeling in the world, but whenever I was dating someone I never felt that they could tell I was self conscious because most of the time if I didn't see them they could tell me they missed me or that they loved me and not be so cryptic with everything they do.
Well as we all know Marines are not ones to be mushy and gushy at least not when around their buddies. That's the hardest part about deployments, I know over the last few months I've mentioned numerous things that I find hard, but I feel that the change in the person especially my marine is hard to deal with. I know already that he's going to be colder, not as sweet all the time and not as available. That's such a huge difference to the man that I met, and no I didn't fall in love with him because he was sweet or warm all the time or the fact that he was available a lot of the time. I just find the very small things that I would normally take for granted in any relationship the hard part.
It's funny, in the summer, ESPECIALLY in New York all the couples are out, whether their sunbathing in Central Park or sipping coffees in starbucks you see them everywhere. Every time I see a couple holding hands at a stoplight or a kissing in the rain, it makes my heart twinge. I've never gotten to stop at a stoplight and kiss my boyfriend or have it be warm enough that I could kiss him in the rain without getting sick. I know every marine girlfriend, fiancée, wife or any relation to any of the services deals with that feeling of loneliness when they can't be near their loved ones. It's just hard to believe I've joined a league of such extraordinary women and men who live their lives to protect this country.
Honestly, if some of the people I know from years ago heard me say the stuff I write here, they would never tell you it was me. They wouldn't be able to recognize the style or the thoughts in the writing. I must admit that I hide my sorrows that come from my relationship because not one of my friends who I've known since god knows when can honestly sit there and listen to what I'm saying without jumping off topic to their relationship or their friend or college.
I feel when I say Marine, Iraq, Afghanistan, War, anything people freak out. It's weird, but I guess to some degree I must have acted that way too when I began to date my marine. I definitely remember telling my friends Army instead of Marine and they almost hit me... yeah, that vocabulary changed quite quickly. I can't imagine myself any other way and I'm happy to be able to say that.