If I'm gonna die, I want to die comfortable...

After many weeks of anticipation and anxiety I finally brought myself to see the summer movie "The Hurt Locker". I knew before I even thought of stepping through the 2 sets of clear double doors of the Regal theater that I would have to mentally prepare myself for a movie that depicts Iraq as a dangerous place. The movie was incredible and I have been raving about it for about a week now.

The main I wanted to blog about this movie was a quote I picked up from the movie which is that "War is a Drug". I have been thinking about this since I saw the movie. It's hit a spot I can't seem to itch. I guess the reason I can't seem to shake it, is the fact that I believe the quote. I mean look at my boyfriend, he claims that the stuff he's heard is awful and he never would rather he run over by a car then go back but he's going back and he's excited.

It reminds me of a drug user, when their trying to get clean they say they'll never touch it again, they'd rather die then take another hit and then there they are getting that a hit a few hours later. I understand the idea to some degree, I mean I hate to say it but I'm really excited for this deployment just because I know I'm being involved in something in another country that I'll probably never step foot in. I wish it meant that I could be with him while he was doing all this good over in the the other country but I'm still excited.

I guess another reason that this quote hit so hard is just for the plain fact that my marine, the love of my life, the man I want to marry is going over there and after watching this movie which shows so much about the lifestyle of a bomb squad in Iraq, I can understand where he's going. The last thing I should be doing is watching a movie that talks about bombs killing civilians but as Staff Sergeant William James says

"If I'm gonna die, I want to die comfortable."

I feel the same way, if I have to feel like I'm dying every day from missing him and loving him at least let me be comfortable with what's really going over there right?

What do you think? Would you rather "die" while you marine is deployed and be at least comfortable that you know exactly what's going on? or would you rather be left in the dark and just jump in feet first like stepping on a pressure plate?

SEMPRE FI!

*Please take no offense, remember I too am a involved with a marine and understand how hard it is for those who go over to leave their loved ones. I also respect and give my prays to those who have been lost over in Iraq and Afghanistan!*

I know this is a different type of entry but it's been coming up in my life so much I felt that it was an important topic for me to journal about I guess. If you've read my pervious entry where I talk about my marine's family I explained that everyone in the family is adopted. Well here’s a shocker for ya but I am too. I found out at the age of 4 that I was adopted and have been excited to meet my birth parents ever since.

The real reason as to why I am letting everyone in on my dirty little secret is that I met my family last week. I feel that after a week I have a little more thoughts on my mind then when it happened. But to start from the beginning I found them in April after Spring Break. I talked to my boyfriend’s family over Spring Break about how all 4 of their kids found their birth parents and how the relationships worked out. Well it inspired me to go and find them. I have been talking to them for about 4 months. They are amazing people. I found out that my parents are still together and they have another child, so I have a biological little brother who’s about 6 years younger then me. I am so excited to meet them but as my birth mother says there is no right way to approach the situation.

Even though I have known my parents and my sister my whole life, it isn't the same relationship I have with my birth parents even though I have only spoke to them for a short amount of time. I love them with a passion that I've never cared for someone other then family. I can’t even explain it. I guess it really is because I’ve known about them since I was a little child but my adopted sister and my boyfriend share the same view of who gives a damn they gave me up and I don’t know them their not family.

Last weekend was amazing though, it was the 1st of August that I was able to meet them. After 4 months of waiting and waiting I was finally able to say I know my birth parents and my little brother. I think the part that hits so close to home is my little brother. Growing up with my little sister whose only 2 years younger then me is rough. We recycle friends, boys, schools, homework, and grounding, everything; so it’s so strange to meet someone who’s me in a younger version who acts exactly like I do. I guess talking to him really warped my mind. He’s so much like me that even has a lisp. Now that’s something my parents claim my adopted father gave me because he has one. He also loves violent video games like Halo and Unreal Tournament at 12. I guess even now I don’t have much to say, I’m still semi speechless about it but I thought I would update everyone as to why I haven’t been talking much.

Below is the new happy family! Hope all the marines are doing well! SEMPRE FI!

We're having the Talk Girls.. (A little racy)

Now girls, I know this is going to come off as being incredibly crude and I'm actually aiming for that with this post, but I was thinking about

SEX

now not just about sex but about the lack of it while my marine is away, and I'm guessing most of you are dealing with it too. That's why I decided to bring it up in a post. I feel its one of the most UN-TALKED about situations when dealing with anyone in the service. I mean sex is a huge part of any relationship and don't let anyone fool you. I know when I get mad all I want him to do is show me that he wants to be me with me rather then another girl at a party or a girl we both stared at while at the strip club.

I've realized after knowing for so long that my marine was leaving that not everything was about how many times I went down on him or how many times we had sex before he left, it was more about how many nights I got to spend in his arms or how many weekends we had together. Sex didn't seem to be important, at least when I was getting some *haha*. Since he's been gone and I'm on my own, sex is something of an interest. Sadly he doesn't see it the same way I do. He's learned to tame the beast shall we say. I have to admit when I did see him within 30 minutes we were on his bed.

I feel that sex is a way to keep couples intimate, I mean it's not just about the act its about what happens after. The cuddling, the loving feelings that come up. The togetherness... I mean there's nothing stronger then that. And when it comes down to it, I'm not entirely sure I can do the 7 months without having him around and that isn't even thinking about sex. How do women do it? I mean I know the first answer I'll get is toys and such but when it comes down to it, the intimacy isn't there, yeah maybe you'll feel satisfied for a few days or a few hours or whatever but aren't you going to miss your lover even more?

Since my marine left I feel lonely at night and sometimes people on the street catch my attention more, especially if they wear anything that smells remotely to what he wears, and considering its axe I smell all over manhattan. I guess I'm trying to find out from marines, girlfriends, wives, lovers anyone whose dealt with the delayed gratification of having their lover in their arms again.

I know this entry is a little racy and I don't think any place online does it talk about sex, but I think it's so important to understand how to deal with something so natural and something so amazing and intimate, because honestly I'm not really sure how to get through that part of the deployment. Well hopefully this will generate some information for me to understand, considering that I saw my marine 2 weeks ago and I'm already missing the intimacy we had when I saw him.

Well I would greatly appreciate any input even if its in an email, I know a lot of women have different ways of coping and knowing a few would be a hell of a help. Anyways ladies, hopefully you can fill out the poll. I mean no offense to anyone through this blog or any of the entires I've written. I use this blog more to open up my mind for the picking and to understand new things. I am so new at this lifestyle I don't really know how to act or how to respond or how to deal with stuff. So you guys are the ones who get me through all of this. This is how I'm learning to deal with the fact that the love of my life, the man I want to spend eternity with, is leaving for 7 long months to fight for this country.

Sempre FI!

I hope all of your marines are doing well and coming home soon!

Is It Fair?

I guess recently I haven't been writing as much because I'm slightly more morbid then I feel I should let on to others. This whole deployment thing is tearing me apart. Every time I talk to him it's either 2 seconds or it's nothing. I know it's unbearable for them. I understand that their up at the crack of dawn to do work and get off late and all they want it to sleep, but abandonment is starting to kick in even more. It just feels like I'm all alone in fighting for this relationship. I know it's not entirely true but it feels that way. I know I always get upset when I don't get to talk to him every few days to know he's okay and that he loves me. I know its a pattern, I get upset when he's unavailable for a few days.

So maybe this is just my upset rant that I can't talk to my boyfriend about everything. I mean things keep changing here and I can't even keep him up to date; but it's kinda sorta my own fault because I don't wanna call or text because I don't know what's going on where he is so I keep my distance and try to be available when he can talk. What about me though, what about what I am dealing with while he's being a marine and I'm a regular civilian? I know I know its selfish to think that I could ever compare with the marines and I know; but it sucks so hard core to know that. It sucks that I know that I can never compete or be ahead of a job.

How do you other women deal with it? Just sit at home and remember how much he loves you and you wait till he gets back to tell you how important you are in his life? I just feel like... I don't know anymore. I want to put up with everything, but it is very hard when almost everything seems to be falling apart to some degree. I know I shouldn't be thinking that my life is falling apart because things aren't going all so well, but it's so hard when I feel abandoned to sit here and look at what is positive. I bet everyone has problems when their worried about their lover, whether he or she be a marine or civilian.
Sempre Fi!

Ignorant People

Well all you marine girlfriends, wives and fiancées even close friends of marines have probably dealt with Ignorant people who honestly need to kicked in the face. I'm not one for violence but when someone is going off at the mouth about something that they have little information about of course I will call them out. They deserve to know that what their saying is total "bullocks" as my english friend said to me yesterday.

Today was one of the first days in a while that I didn't feel left behind or abandoned or really sad. I woke up with a smile on my face, probably because I reliving the time I spent with him last weekend. I was happy because I went out with people who finally respect my relationship for what it is and not what they believe. I went on facebook and saw a crude comment or at least an opinion that I found to be cruel and sorta ignorant.

The status reads as follows so, we pull out of Iraq, invade Afghanistan and then "Iranians" bomb Iraq and kill 40, hmmm, kinda think we should've stayed until we fixed it, we kinda leveled the place then left it in shambles." Now I have major concerns about this opinion and I voiced it. One we haven't pulled out of Iraq, if we did my boyfriend wouldn't be going over to Iraq in September. Two the bombing that killed 40 people was a double suicide bombing that wounded almost 65 people and killed about 35. The last part of his comment I just find to be ignorant and unsupportive. I agree with the facts that we did "level the place" but it isn't as though he have "left it in shambles". The Iraqi people are happy and scared that the U.S. military personal are no longer in the cities.

The part that annoyed me most about this person is that he got in my face when I explained that we haven't left Iraq and started to give me an attitude when I explained that my boyfriend wouldn't be going over if we had left. The worst part about this entire situation is that people don't even respect the fact that many of our lovers, friends, family members are being involved in a war in which so many people support our troops with words but when it comes down to actually supporting someone who is involved with a someone over there, they apologize and say how hard it is or some go why are you putting yourself through this. I must admit that sometimes it's nice to hear someone care but when they can't relate and you need help it just seems so rude to hear.

I realize I also have to be the big girl and not give heat to the fire per say but its awful when nobody supports what your doing and everybody is always questioning something that you believe in with your whole heart. I know from USMC gals that many of the DI's (drill instructors) in bootcamp try to break the recruits down by telling them that their girlfriends or someone special is disrespecting them. This to my knowledge makes the recruits more timid and fearful of what could happen. The same thing happens to the loved ones, when their being told how bad it is for them and stories about what could happen they begin to lose trust in their loved ones.

I feel its a no win situation, and sadly I think that these people who are so ignorant of what is really going on need a reality check!

SEMPRE FI!



*remember I myself am a Marine Girlfriend, I respect all Marines, Army and Navy. I respect that all these young men and women are fighting in countries so I can live safely. I do not wish to offend anyone!*

4th of July

Well the 4th of July has always been an amazing weekend; it's filled with family fun and fireworks. What could be better? Well this year I get to spend the 4th of July with my marine. I couldn't be happier. It's a national holiday that shows our freedom and I get to spend the weekend with a man who has dedicated three years of his life to that cause. I must admit my last entry was slightly upsetting after I reread it today. The feelings of dealing with a deployment, tour, whatever one wants to call it is a struggle.

I believe myself I am an optimist and that I can endeavor with whatever I am thrown into, but this relationship keeps me guessing every day. I have always been unsure of myself, no matter what I say I have always been very self conscious and aware of myself, not always the best feeling in the world, but whenever I was dating someone I never felt that they could tell I was self conscious because most of the time if I didn't see them they could tell me they missed me or that they loved me and not be so cryptic with everything they do.

Well as we all know Marines are not ones to be mushy and gushy at least not when around their buddies. That's the hardest part about deployments, I know over the last few months I've mentioned numerous things that I find hard, but I feel that the change in the person especially my marine is hard to deal with. I know already that he's going to be colder, not as sweet all the time and not as available. That's such a huge difference to the man that I met, and no I didn't fall in love with him because he was sweet or warm all the time or the fact that he was available a lot of the time. I just find the very small things that I would normally take for granted in any relationship the hard part.

It's funny, in the summer, ESPECIALLY in New York all the couples are out, whether their sunbathing in Central Park or sipping coffees in starbucks you see them everywhere. Every time I see a couple holding hands at a stoplight or a kissing in the rain, it makes my heart twinge. I've never gotten to stop at a stoplight and kiss my boyfriend or have it be warm enough that I could kiss him in the rain without getting sick. I know every marine girlfriend, fiancée, wife or any relation to any of the services deals with that feeling of loneliness when they can't be near their loved ones. It's just hard to believe I've joined a league of such extraordinary women and men who live their lives to protect this country.

Honestly, if some of the people I know from years ago heard me say the stuff I write here, they would never tell you it was me. They wouldn't be able to recognize the style or the thoughts in the writing. I must admit that I hide my sorrows that come from my relationship because not one of my friends who I've known since god knows when can honestly sit there and listen to what I'm saying without jumping off topic to their relationship or their friend or college.

I feel when I say Marine, Iraq, Afghanistan, War, anything people freak out. It's weird, but I guess to some degree I must have acted that way too when I began to date my marine. I definitely remember telling my friends Army instead of Marine and they almost hit me... yeah, that vocabulary changed quite quickly. I can't imagine myself any other way and I'm happy to be able to say that.

I also wanted to thank all you girls, and maybe even some boys out there who have been reading my posts. It means a lot to me that yesterday 54 people looked at the blog. It is nice knowing that other people are going through what I am, and that people have dealt with it before me. So thank you again! I look forward to more comments and maybe some marine gf/wives/fiancées friends to talk to while my marine and many of theirs will be deployed!

Again thank you all!

Tug of War

Tug of War was always a fun game that I and almost everyone used to play as a child. I never thought it could be used for emotions, a situation or really anything. I find it to be a game you play with the dog or with a young child, not a 21 year old marine. I feel that this deployment is a tug of war game. I feel all I do is fight against what I feel is right. I'm bashing my head against something bigger then me. I feel like I'm trying to pull the rope away from something 100x bigger then me. I know I shouldn't be pulling away when he "is going to need me more then ever" but what about what I need. I need the reassurance that I'm needed in his life and I don't get any of that. I feel that the real thing that happening right now is my ex. A guy proposed to me earlier this year, well technically at the beginning of 2009. I said no, because I thought it was a bullshit... It really wasn't as much bullshit as I thought. He is still crazy in love with me and not afraid to tell me. It's hard as hell to deal with honestly. I don't want to be involved with him.. I love my marine but all I want to do is push against him to try and have him show me that he cares but everytime I push it goes nowhere. I'm supposed to see my marine this weekend and I don't think I can bring myself to do it honestly. I really don't think I can see him and then have to say goodbye again. It feels like all I'm ever doing is tugging against everything in my life and I hate it. I'm pushing away someone I care about because of god knows what. I just feel so ehh about everything. I can't even put my feelings into words anymore. There isn't anything to say. This day could also just be a really really bad day and I'm just reacting to it in a way that I shouldn't be. It may also be the fact that nobody I know has been supportive of my relationship with my marine. I feel that I'm always tugging against another person to see my relationship for what it is. I love my lance corporal and I can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him, but my mother, my father to some degree, all of my friends except for the one's who have seen my relationship with him blossom. My mother hates the fact that he's a marine, my dad says, after I explained how much money would be involved if my boyfriend and I decided to get married, that I should marry him before he leaves and divorce him when he gets back (yeah my dads got a fucked up sense of love). My friends don't understand how I can love someone whose abandoning me to fight for a bullshit war. They also keep stating that he could die and why would he want to risk his life when he has me, and my marine says I'm a anxious alice. I know their trying to protect me from something they can't possibly understand, because they've never dealt with it. I've become a Marine, well a Marine Girlfriend, and it's changed me for the better. I've become a person I could have never seen myself becoming and it's all because I met someone who lived a completely and totally different life. I found a family who respects and loves no matter what skin color or background.