Thursday, July 16, 2009

Is It Fair?

I guess recently I haven't been writing as much because I'm slightly more morbid then I feel I should let on to others. This whole deployment thing is tearing me apart. Every time I talk to him it's either 2 seconds or it's nothing. I know it's unbearable for them. I understand that their up at the crack of dawn to do work and get off late and all they want it to sleep, but abandonment is starting to kick in even more. It just feels like I'm all alone in fighting for this relationship. I know it's not entirely true but it feels that way. I know I always get upset when I don't get to talk to him every few days to know he's okay and that he loves me. I know its a pattern, I get upset when he's unavailable for a few days.

So maybe this is just my upset rant that I can't talk to my boyfriend about everything. I mean things keep changing here and I can't even keep him up to date; but it's kinda sorta my own fault because I don't wanna call or text because I don't know what's going on where he is so I keep my distance and try to be available when he can talk. What about me though, what about what I am dealing with while he's being a marine and I'm a regular civilian? I know I know its selfish to think that I could ever compare with the marines and I know; but it sucks so hard core to know that. It sucks that I know that I can never compete or be ahead of a job.

How do you other women deal with it? Just sit at home and remember how much he loves you and you wait till he gets back to tell you how important you are in his life? I just feel like... I don't know anymore. I want to put up with everything, but it is very hard when almost everything seems to be falling apart to some degree. I know I shouldn't be thinking that my life is falling apart because things aren't going all so well, but it's so hard when I feel abandoned to sit here and look at what is positive. I bet everyone has problems when their worried about their lover, whether he or she be a marine or civilian.
Sempre Fi!

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