Monday, August 10, 2009
The main I wanted to blog about this movie was a quote I picked up from the movie which is that "War is a Drug". I have been thinking about this since I saw the movie. It's hit a spot I can't seem to itch. I guess the reason I can't seem to shake it, is the fact that I believe the quote. I mean look at my boyfriend, he claims that the stuff he's heard is awful and he never would rather he run over by a car then go back but he's going back and he's excited.
It reminds me of a drug user, when their trying to get clean they say they'll never touch it again, they'd rather die then take another hit and then there they are getting that a hit a few hours later. I understand the idea to some degree, I mean I hate to say it but I'm really excited for this deployment just because I know I'm being involved in something in another country that I'll probably never step foot in. I wish it meant that I could be with him while he was doing all this good over in the the other country but I'm still excited.
I guess another reason that this quote hit so hard is just for the plain fact that my marine, the love of my life, the man I want to marry is going over there and after watching this movie which shows so much about the lifestyle of a bomb squad in Iraq, I can understand where he's going. The last thing I should be doing is watching a movie that talks about bombs killing civilians but as Staff Sergeant William James says
"If I'm gonna die, I want to die comfortable."
I feel the same way, if I have to feel like I'm dying every day from missing him and loving him at least let me be comfortable with what's really going over there right?
What do you think? Would you rather "die" while you marine is deployed and be at least comfortable that you know exactly what's going on? or would you rather be left in the dark and just jump in feet first like stepping on a pressure plate?
*Please take no offense, remember I too am a involved with a marine and understand how hard it is for those who go over to leave their loved ones. I also respect and give my prays to those who have been lost over in Iraq and Afghanistan!*
The real reason as to why I am letting everyone in on my dirty little secret is that I met my family last week. I feel that after a week I have a little more thoughts on my mind then when it happened. But to start from the beginning I found them in April after Spring Break. I talked to my boyfriend’s family over Spring Break about how all 4 of their kids found their birth parents and how the relationships worked out. Well it inspired me to go and find them. I have been talking to them for about 4 months. They are amazing people. I found out that my parents are still together and they have another child, so I have a biological little brother who’s about 6 years younger then me. I am so excited to meet them but as my birth mother says there is no right way to approach the situation.
Even though I have known my parents and my sister my whole life, it isn't the same relationship I have with my birth parents even though I have only spoke to them for a short amount of time. I love them with a passion that I've never cared for someone other then family. I can’t even explain it. I guess it really is because I’ve known about them since I was a little child but my adopted sister and my boyfriend share the same view of who gives a damn they gave me up and I don’t know them their not family.
Last weekend was amazing though, it was the 1st of August that I was able to meet them. After 4 months of waiting and waiting I was finally able to say I know my birth parents and my little brother. I think the part that hits so close to home is my little brother. Growing up with my little sister whose only 2 years younger then me is rough. We recycle friends, boys, schools, homework, and grounding, everything; so it’s so strange to meet someone who’s me in a younger version who acts exactly like I do. I guess talking to him really warped my mind. He’s so much like me that even has a lisp. Now that’s something my parents claim my adopted father gave me because he has one. He also loves violent video games like Halo and Unreal Tournament at 12. I guess even now I don’t have much to say, I’m still semi speechless about it but I thought I would update everyone as to why I haven’t been talking much.
Below is the new happy family! Hope all the marines are doing well! SEMPRE FI!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
SEXnow not just about sex but about the lack of it while my marine is away, and I'm guessing most of you are dealing with it too. That's why I decided to bring it up in a post. I feel its one of the most UN-TALKED about situations when dealing with anyone in the service. I mean sex is a huge part of any relationship and don't let anyone fool you. I know when I get mad all I want him to do is show me that he wants to be me with me rather then another girl at a party or a girl we both stared at while at the strip club.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
So maybe this is just my upset rant that I can't talk to my boyfriend about everything. I mean things keep changing here and I can't even keep him up to date; but it's kinda sorta my own fault because I don't wanna call or text because I don't know what's going on where he is so I keep my distance and try to be available when he can talk. What about me though, what about what I am dealing with while he's being a marine and I'm a regular civilian? I know I know its selfish to think that I could ever compare with the marines and I know; but it sucks so hard core to know that. It sucks that I know that I can never compete or be ahead of a job.
How do you other women deal with it? Just sit at home and remember how much he loves you and you wait till he gets back to tell you how important you are in his life? I just feel like... I don't know anymore. I want to put up with everything, but it is very hard when almost everything seems to be falling apart to some degree. I know I shouldn't be thinking that my life is falling apart because things aren't going all so well, but it's so hard when I feel abandoned to sit here and look at what is positive. I bet everyone has problems when their worried about their lover, whether he or she be a marine or civilian.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Today was one of the first days in a while that I didn't feel left behind or abandoned or really sad. I woke up with a smile on my face, probably because I reliving the time I spent with him last weekend. I was happy because I went out with people who finally respect my relationship for what it is and not what they believe. I went on facebook and saw a crude comment or at least an opinion that I found to be cruel and sorta ignorant.
The status reads as follows so, we pull out of Iraq, invade Afghanistan and then "Iranians" bomb Iraq and kill 40, hmmm, kinda think we should've stayed until we fixed it, we kinda leveled the place then left it in shambles." Now I have major concerns about this opinion and I voiced it. One we haven't pulled out of Iraq, if we did my boyfriend wouldn't be going over to Iraq in September. Two the bombing that killed 40 people was a double suicide bombing that wounded almost 65 people and killed about 35. The last part of his comment I just find to be ignorant and unsupportive. I agree with the facts that we did "level the place" but it isn't as though he have "left it in shambles". The Iraqi people are happy and scared that the U.S. military personal are no longer in the cities.
The part that annoyed me most about this person is that he got in my face when I explained that we haven't left Iraq and started to give me an attitude when I explained that my boyfriend wouldn't be going over if we had left. The worst part about this entire situation is that people don't even respect the fact that many of our lovers, friends, family members are being involved in a war in which so many people support our troops with words but when it comes down to actually supporting someone who is involved with a someone over there, they apologize and say how hard it is or some go why are you putting yourself through this. I must admit that sometimes it's nice to hear someone care but when they can't relate and you need help it just seems so rude to hear.
I realize I also have to be the big girl and not give heat to the fire per say but its awful when nobody supports what your doing and everybody is always questioning something that you believe in with your whole heart. I know from USMC gals that many of the DI's (drill instructors) in bootcamp try to break the recruits down by telling them that their girlfriends or someone special is disrespecting them. This to my knowledge makes the recruits more timid and fearful of what could happen. The same thing happens to the loved ones, when their being told how bad it is for them and stories about what could happen they begin to lose trust in their loved ones.
I feel its a no win situation, and sadly I think that these people who are so ignorant of what is really going on need a reality check!
*remember I myself am a Marine Girlfriend, I respect all Marines, Army and Navy. I respect that all these young men and women are fighting in countries so I can live safely. I do not wish to offend anyone!*
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I believe myself I am an optimist and that I can endeavor with whatever I am thrown into, but this relationship keeps me guessing every day. I have always been unsure of myself, no matter what I say I have always been very self conscious and aware of myself, not always the best feeling in the world, but whenever I was dating someone I never felt that they could tell I was self conscious because most of the time if I didn't see them they could tell me they missed me or that they loved me and not be so cryptic with everything they do.
Well as we all know Marines are not ones to be mushy and gushy at least not when around their buddies. That's the hardest part about deployments, I know over the last few months I've mentioned numerous things that I find hard, but I feel that the change in the person especially my marine is hard to deal with. I know already that he's going to be colder, not as sweet all the time and not as available. That's such a huge difference to the man that I met, and no I didn't fall in love with him because he was sweet or warm all the time or the fact that he was available a lot of the time. I just find the very small things that I would normally take for granted in any relationship the hard part.
It's funny, in the summer, ESPECIALLY in New York all the couples are out, whether their sunbathing in Central Park or sipping coffees in starbucks you see them everywhere. Every time I see a couple holding hands at a stoplight or a kissing in the rain, it makes my heart twinge. I've never gotten to stop at a stoplight and kiss my boyfriend or have it be warm enough that I could kiss him in the rain without getting sick. I know every marine girlfriend, fiancée, wife or any relation to any of the services deals with that feeling of loneliness when they can't be near their loved ones. It's just hard to believe I've joined a league of such extraordinary women and men who live their lives to protect this country.
Honestly, if some of the people I know from years ago heard me say the stuff I write here, they would never tell you it was me. They wouldn't be able to recognize the style or the thoughts in the writing. I must admit that I hide my sorrows that come from my relationship because not one of my friends who I've known since god knows when can honestly sit there and listen to what I'm saying without jumping off topic to their relationship or their friend or college.
I feel when I say Marine, Iraq, Afghanistan, War, anything people freak out. It's weird, but I guess to some degree I must have acted that way too when I began to date my marine. I definitely remember telling my friends Army instead of Marine and they almost hit me... yeah, that vocabulary changed quite quickly. I can't imagine myself any other way and I'm happy to be able to say that.
I also wanted to thank all you girls, and maybe even some boys out there who have been reading my posts. It means a lot to me that yesterday 54 people looked at the blog. It is nice knowing that other people are going through what I am, and that people have dealt with it before me. So thank you again! I look forward to more comments and maybe some marine gf/wives/fiancées friends to talk to while my marine and many of theirs will be deployed!Again thank you all!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
3 weeks but 46 left to go!
As of three weeks ago my marine left for his predeployment training. I realize I haven't been writing but I don't know what to say. I feel as though I am falling apart as he is getting more prepared. When he moved in to his room at Cherry Hill, I explained that I felt like it was final, that it hadn't hit me until he left that he was really going to Iraq. He told me he knew it was happening and he was prepared. Well I wish he had prepared me better for the very little communication that I have with him whenever he has a second to talk. I wish he told me that it was going to be hard but that he believed I could do it.
I feel so alone. College is done for the summer so I'm home, my family is completely against me staying with him while he deploys to fight some godawful war that really nobody believes we should be in. I've put so much faith and work into this relationship, I'm so worried it won't remain as strong as it is now. I know it is possible to be even better and that is the outcome I am looking for, but as many of you know, it hurts to be left alone for so long with nothing but the hope that your man comes back alive and still loves you.
I am so proud of him for everything he has done. I know I haven't exactly been the best girlfriend while he'e preparing to go but what can you do except hold them close and tell them you love them. I pushed him away and he never pulled back so our last few days together were miserable. That is my fault and I fully admit to that and apologize for it.
Its been 3 weeks and I have a lot longer til he's even deployed and I feel as though I am falling apart. I have been very lucky to have had 6 months with my marine rather than a month or a week or any time in between. The 6 months have shown me that I am strong enough to stand by a marine's side and be happy. God made me to fall for him and stay with him through this.
To all the women starting to deal with their boyfriends, husbands, fiancees, and even friends leaving for their tour of duty, remember they are protecting and fighting for us. We should only be so lucky to have had the time we did with our marines. They are amazing men and each one of them has someone here thinking about them. Love them, respect them, miss them!
I miss my marine every morning when I wake up without him next to me, every meal Ieat, I remember when he used to sit next to me, every afternoon when he would come to relax after a long day of classes with me, being on the motorcycle with him going 140 mph and above all I miss him the most at night, where he used to sleep next to me every night for 6 months. I am just beginning to deal with the pain of a deployment but I feel that my feelings are the same as many of you are dealing with.
If anyone would like to talk or communicate with me, you are more then welcome to email me here or at firstname.lastname@example.org. SEMPRE FI!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
1 week left and 44 to go
At 8 am this morning I had to take a math midterm exam. My boyfriend and I woke up together so we could go; I spent time with him last night studying, so he doesn't fail the class, so when he gets back from Iraq he can return to Drexel. My boyfriend felt that he would fail the exam so why should he take the exam. I felt upset but said if thats how you feel I really can't stop you.
The worst part about it all is that halfway through my exam I realize that tomorrow is our 6 month anniversary and that within the next week he has to move out of Drexel and move down to North Carolina for his 3 month pre-deployment training. He gets activated next friday. I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't want to think that I have a few weeks left and finals when I can't spend as much time with him as I possibly can.
I am very excited for tomorrow though and this weekend. I decided to throw my boyfriend a huge going away party. The party is going to have about 25 people there and it should be so much fun. He and I are also going to go down to his beach house for the Memorial Day weekend.
*remember I myself am a Marine Girlfriend, I respect all Marines, Army and Navy. I respect that all these young men and women are fighting in countries so I can live safely. I do not wish to offend anyone!*
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Welcome to the Family, Now your One of Us!The biggest step in two peoples lives is to say the first and hopefully last I do. This past weekend I spent time with my marines family because I couldn't go home to my own. I found it so comforting to be around his family that seems to be close to perfect while mine is falling apart. It was also a treat to bond with his twin. I've always felt that if he and I did get serious, I would have to become close with her just because they are the only two people in the family who are blood related. (the entire family is adopted). That is probably why I feel so comfortable around his family. From the first second I met his parents I wanted to become part of his family. Well this weekend I semi got my wish. My marine's twin asked me what I was going to do considering her brother is leaving for Iraq in the fall. I was honest and explained that I was going to wait it out. She then says with a huge smile on her face that I am part of the family the newest Z***a. I stood here amazed because I thought she hated my guts. The other interesting part about his twin is she's been engaged TWICE! She's only 21 and has been engaged to two different men and at this point in time is single. So after this comment she goes on to ask whether or not he's proposed. I look at her with a confused smile. Of course I would love my marine to propose and say he wants to be with me forever, but it seems that it may not happen just because of who he is. He's not one to settle down, sadly. I feel that when he gets back from Iraq, he might have a different view of things being 22 at that point and all, but then again maybe not at all.... He might want to go back.... which is what would scare me even more... SEMPRE FI *remember I myself am a Marine Girlfriend, I respect all Marines, Army and Navy. I respect that all these young men and women are fighting in countries so I can live safely. I do not wish to offend anyone!*
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Visitorsare probably the nicest part about staying in the states and being not that far away from Drexel. All my friends and family can visit me and make sure I'm okay. Zappa can't, I can't even call the boy when he's over there. I think that's going to hurt the most. I love being able to hug him and his kiss his back, his shoulders, his chest, while I tell him I love him. I love being able to wake up next to him feeling his warm body against mine, or the way he holds me as he falls asleep. Falling asleep next to someone is the next most intimate thing I think two people can do. Letting someone be in bed with you as your as vulnerable as you can be is something so special. People wake up looking awful, breathing reeking. One is so vulnerable when their sleeping. A person could take advantage of that vulnerability and use it against you. It takes a lot of trust to really let someone lie next to you. *remember I myself am a Marine Girlfriend, I respect all Marines, Army and Navy. I respect that all these young men and women are fighting in countries so I can live safely. I do not wish to offend anyone!*
Monday, May 4, 2009
What is the big deal?My boyfriend is a marine and my best friend is in the army! Of course the one weekend I can see my army guy before he leaves for Afghanistan is the final weekend my boyfriend goes to drill before his deployment. i.e. my boyfriends going to be a pissy mess! My army friend isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the pack. He is rude and arrogant and I really can't put up with him, which is saddening because we've been friends for the last year. He doesn't understand that people aren't like him and that the way he acts isn't okay. He acts like an asshole to get girls and in New York, it works in Philadelphia yeah fucking right. I've taken him out to meet friends while he was here, but all he did was be completely disrespectful and got on me and everyone I know nerves. I respect my friend for joining the army and protecting the country and all that good stuff, but when it comes down to who I respect more, I respect my marine so much more. My army friend thinks he's better then my marine because he has had more training in infantry and crap of that nature. Yes my boyfriend is in communications but I like it better that way. I don't want him running off and shooting people. I guess the whole macho thing comes into play here. Army boy is off shooting people and comes off as an asshole; Marine boyfriend is doing a job to help people in communications. Its a mer choosing of who you want in bed with you at night. I once heard someone say that a woman wants to go out with the bad boy and have fun but takes the good guy to her bed. The army boy is the bad boy and my marine is the good boy in essence. I know its never that black and white but in the current situation it seems that way. I see how my army friends reacts and I don't think he's the right type of person to be involved in something so serious. He just seems to want to come off as a hero, but it really won't work. Look at what the Marines do when compared to the Army:
- highly mobile amphibious attack force
- trained to attack from the water and establish a beach head, an area of control on foreign soil.
- Marines are mobile, lightweight, and very rapid.
- Ground-based military force.
- US Army captures and holds territory with the use of infantry, aircraft, and an extensive support staff.
- The US Army is in the thick of battle.